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Don't Cry added
3-12-98 Original
Author Unknown
A man observed a
woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As
they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her
mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss,
and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the
aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
Soon they came to the
candy aisle, and the little girl began to shout for candy.
And when told she couldn't have any, began to cry. The mother said,
"There, there, Monica, don't cry--only two more aisles to go, and
then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the
check-out stand, the little girls immediately began to
clamor for gum and went into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd
be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be
through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you
can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them
out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment
her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little
Monica," he began.
Whereupon the mother said,
"I'm Monica -- my little girl's name is Tammy."
Underpants added
3-12-98 Original
Author Unknown
A four year old was at
the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor
looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think
I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next,
the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her
throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find
the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the
little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a
stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her
heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear
Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied.
"God is in my heart. Barney's on my
underpants."
How you know you're a
victim of advanced parenthood
added 4-14-98 Original Author
unknown
* You count the
sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
* You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your son's favorite
toy car and make him cry.
* (for Mom's only!) You only
have time to shave one leg at a time.
* You hide in the bathroom just to get some alone-time.
* Your child spits up and you catch it.
* Someone else's kid spits up at a party and you go right on eating.
* You consider fingerpaint to be a controlled substance.
* You've mastered the art of
placing large amounts of scrambled eggs and
pancakes on the same plate without anything "touching".
* You don't allow your kids to play with any weapon-toys, and your child
chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
* You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child
eats.
* You manage not to laugh when your 5 year old boy confides in you his
suspicion that his penis has bones inside.
* You con your kid into thinking that FAO Schwartz is a toy MUSEUM and
not really a store.
* You fast-forward through the
scene where Bambi's mom gets killed.
* You hear YOUR parents voice
when it's you that screams "Not in THOSE clothes
you don't!"
* You hire a sitter because the two of you haven't been out in ages,
then spend half the night calling home to check on the
kids.
* Rock concerts give you a
headache
and finally, you KNOW you're a victim of Advanced Parenthood when...
* You start offering to cut up other people's food for them!
Big Trouble added
6-2-98 Original Author unknown
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two
brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were
exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood,
it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were
at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby
who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father
that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The father replied, "Sure,
do that before I kill them!"
The mother went to the priest and
made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted
to see the younger boy first and alone.
So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across
a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five
minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at
the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around,
but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at
the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a
louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the
desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's
nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he
dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet,
where they usually plotted their mischief. He
finally said, "We are in BIG trouble!"
The older boy asked, "What
do you mean, BIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
A Letter from the
Tooth Fairy added
10-10-98 Original
Author unknown
Dear __________:
Thank you for leaving [01] tooth
under your pillow last night. While we make
every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen
children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following
reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken
bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth
due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed
for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to
you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process
fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded
to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that
you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time
your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a
vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our
visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our
visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth
fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth
extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:
Instead of the usual cash redemption,
we have provided the following certificate which
you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you.
Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the
future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy
Cute Kids
added 6-7-00 Original
Author Unknown
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
Dad !!!
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...
"Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of
water?"
The First
Parent
added 7-28-00 Original
Author Unknown
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit, said God."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve
asked, jumping up and down excitedly.
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped
after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was very
angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent
asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a
reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so
hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you think it should
be a piece of cake for you?
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